Tag Archives: fiction

What Do I Want?

It’s harder to figure out than I realized. I’m doing this five-year journal called One Question A Day. So far, I’m enjoying it.

The first question (Jan. 1) is, “What goal would you like to accomplish this year?” to which I replied, “I want to gain flexibility and strength in all aspects of who I am.” My answer was vague enough to annoy me, so I added, “I would love to finish and publish Summer, According to Sam.”

Ah, now that is an actionable goal and one that I can read next year and either be proud of or upset with myself.

Then on Jan. 5 it asked, “What milestone are you looking forward to?”

I put, “Holding Summer… in my hands. I’d like Dad to hold it, too.”

So now my goal is not just to finish and publish Sam, but to have a print copy of it and to give one to my father. That should get me working on it.

But it didn’t. I have a whole year, after all, and probably several more opportunities to say I want to do it in my journal.

I Do What I Want

In a recent sermon, my pastor said something that made me think about what my behavior says I want. How am I spending my time? It seems to tell a truer story than my words do.

I go around announcing cheekily that “I do what I want.” I even wrote it on my name tag instead of my name at re:gen one night. But I was joking. Obviously, I don’t do what I want. I run around doing what everyone else needs me to do. Right?

Nope. I want to feed my family and take my sons to work and serve in all the areas I serve in. I have total freedom to plan my days, and that’s been true for years and years.

So why don’t I have a copy of Sam already? Nothing and no one is stopping me. Not even the book itself. It’s been accepted by a publisher, gone through the whole revision and editing process, earned me thousands of dollars, been crowned a top fave …

And now it’s sitting here opened but not drawing me in. I’m in the middle of yet another revision, and I’m so burned out on it that I’m cleaning my attic instead of working on it.

The problem isn’t that I don’t do what I want. It’s that I’ve incorrectly identified what I want. I don’t want to finish and publish my book. I want to have already finished and published my book.

Now what do I do about it?

Hands Up!

Falling With Style

I’ve noticed that I tend to post most of my updates when I’m struggling. I said I was in free fall, and I scared a few people. It earned me some hugs and concerned questions at church yesterday.

I wasn’t bluffing, but I failed to mention the good part. The rush, the anticipation of the journey back up. Slower, but so much better. My stomach is back where it belongs, and I’m not getting off the ride. I’m going over the next hill with my hands up.

I have thirteen episodes on Vella, and I’m establishing a routine. This is difficult for me. I’m a pantser, a project hopper, a total brat. I write what I want, when I want. But no more. Now I have to figure out how to balance my episode schedule, the writing of season four, getting my illustrator to start on the cover of Sam and Millie, converting my even longer series (Collected) into episodic form, and all the CG leader and mom/wife stuff. Not in that order.

God First

I do my quiet time first thing in the morning. Bible Recap first, then other studies. Re:generation, WBS, gratitude journal, prayer list, then the really good stuff. Talking to God. I’ve come so far. Months ago, I had lost my faith that He was good. Now I curl up and cry from relief at how I trust Him. My prayers are sometimes just lists of all the things I can see that I didn’t see before. And that’s why my hands are up.

My Vellas and my books may never be read, but I will be satisfied. Now I’m free.

Do It Scared

Advice From a Pro

I went to my first meeting with a writers’ group last weekend. I’ve been writing off and on since I was twelve years old, so this was long overdue. The guest speaker is a friend of mine from an online writers’ group. She gave me some advice when I told her how afraid I was to take the next steps with my work.

Do it scared!

I told my husband and my re:generation group what she said, and everyone agreed. It’s time for me to go for it. I wanted to change the message and say I would do it brave. That sounds better to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized they’re the same thing. I put my characters through all manner of difficulty, forcing them into their storms. But I’ve got hundreds–yes HUNDREDS– of episodes ready to go, and I’m sitting on them. Not even putting a toe into the wind.

I went to Kindle Vella to set up an account, just to get ready for when I worked up the nerve to publish. And before I knew it, my story was live. Brave, scared, or just plain stupid, I’m not sure yet. But it’s there. I don’t know if I’m more afraid I’ll be seen or that I won’t be. It’s not exactly negative feedback that I fear. It’s my reaction to it. I’m a sort-of anti-Sword of Gryffidor. I only take on that which makes me weaker. I definitely need to turn that around.

Armored Up

To keep moving forward, I have to remind myself daily that I’m not alone. I wrote out a list of the people God has placed around me, and it’s overwhelming. My re:gen girls, my CG, my WBS girls, my WANA peeps, my family. It goes on and on. How did I feel so alone only a few months ago? Maybe by hiding in the closet in my closet?

No more hiding! Nicole and I are stepping out together. Into the storm.

Cover art, girl walking into dark woods holding a lantern

Shady Creek, Season 1 of the Carousel Series