How I Feel

I don’t know how I feel.

Sometimes I can’t even find the words. There’s an app for it, and I can’t answer the question.

Existential crisis comes the closest.

I’m so tired of being put in boxes. So many of them I built myself. But others have been assigned to me. Small, female, weak, less than. Tempered with apologetic “this is God’s design” lies. And sugar-coated by descriptions of what “good leadership” should be like. Demeaning me further by explaining what I don’t need explained.

I know who and what I’m supposed to be better than anyone can and should tell me. Or I did. But now I find that I keep skipping song after song after song in my playlist, looking for this one. Because it sounds like my soul.

I didn’t even have to look for it today. I opened the app, and there it was. Like it was supposed to be my theme for the day.

I’ve been considering quitting. Or at least taking a break to see if I even miss what I think I love. But the other side of my soul answers with a different message. The very next song that came on.

So I’m staying here. Staying me. Unapologetically.


  1. Rachel, you are so creative and have such a sensitive heart that I imagine you feel things at a deeper level than most of us. I admire your searching and honest soul. Thank you for sharing these beautiful songs.

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